No more complaints

Okay, well not exactly "no more," but I'd say that I have significantly less complaints this week for some reason.  Maybe it's the miracle of the new computer table that magically appeared one day this week, followed by a brand new state-of-the-art Mac desktop computer, which I immediately positioned next to my easel to use for actual TEACHING...  Of course it could also be the new copy machines...yes that is plural, or the notice of a training on smart boards...which I hope is followed by an actual smart board.

Yes folks, the grants were written, approved, and the goods are finally being received.  The one good thing about the new administration is that they apparently DO care about technology and want to drastically change from a NO technology school, to an ALL technology school and I am so THRILLED!  THIS is the kind of CHANGE we need.  I can't wait to do my shared reading on an interactive white board and actually be able to show the children pictures and information from the INTERNET!!!! when we do our upcoming non-fiction unit.  

Now, I have to get used to not complaining.  It was so easy to sigh and say, "well, I could do this, BUT we have no internet at my school so..." or "I can't check my email during the day so..." now I have no more excuses for being out of touch with the world or keeping the students in our little bubble of blissful ignorance.  I have my work cut out for me and I need to get on the ball with this technology and get my kids connected.  I think the first thing will be a class wiki about our science observations with our planting (I went a little crazy this year with the seeds!! We have quite a garden of diverse plants growing).  I am just thrilled right now, I can't even describe how this one thing changes EVERYTHING for me and my first graders.  

This is why things are looking up and why I've changed my mind about leaving.  Things are possible at my school.  I've learned that I need to be patient with the new administration and let them come into their own.  As far as committees go and my whole negative inventory thing from last week, I cheerfully signed up for the "technology committee" this week.  Maybe we will change things.  I feel hopeful once again.

Feeling better about things

It's strange how small things like getting a new copier that works can change your whole outlook on things as a teacher.  I really don't think it was the copier, but something happened this week that changed my mood.  I no longer feel the need to break free from my school and the system immediately.  It'll probably happen somewhere down the road, but I guess I realized I'm not ready now.  Looking around my classroom this past week I just felt a strong urge to stay and to keep working hard.  It would be too painful at this point to leave behind my students, their families, and my colleagues.  Maybe we can weather this administration as we did the last.  

I take my inspiration from the many veteran teachers in the building.  At my school, there is a relatively moderately sized group of teachers who are at retirement age and status right now which is amazing and fortunate, but will also be a huge loss over the next couple of years.  They all seem to be so blissful like nothing can touch them.  I still haven't figured how, but maybe someday I'll reach that point.  Even teachers who have been there for only 10 years already display those characteristics.  It's not uncaring in the least, in fact they are some of the most dedicated teachers in the building.  They also have personal lives: spouses and children.  Somehow they balance everything.  I hope I get there soon.

I think I have job-related depression

You might not want to read this if you are influenced by negative vibes.

I came to a really disappointing realization over the April break: I need to leave my school or get out of the system entirely. This might seem like a shock (or not) to some of my readers, but I think a lot of people reach a breaking point sometime in their teaching career, especially if you teach in the NYC system. I'm there! In taking inventory of all of the committees I joined, the meetings I attended, the leadership opportunities I went for, the study groups, the collaboration, the planning, etc. that I've done in the last four years, I can honestly say that the fruits of my labor in terms of the betterment of my school as a whole equal to zero, no below zero, it's negative.

Of course, I'm not talking about my students. I never really am when I complain. I love my students and I feel attached to their families and it kills me inside that I feel this urge to leave them. I've seen tons of improvement in my students, and really felt successful as a teacher in the past four years, but it's like working against the tide. I'm tired of fighting. I can't do it alone and everyone seems to be abandoning ship right now (at least mentally) and I think I need to go with them.

I feel hopeless, like nothing will ever change. I was at a baseball game the other day and this group of at-risk adolescents were there taking photographs with the players who sponsored some after school program for them. All I could think was, "I'm so sick of this after school program, charter this, magnet that, SES, NCLB, etc. Why do we need special programs sponsored by philanthropists for only a handful of kids? Why can't we as a society just plain CARE about our children in general? Then we wouldn't need all of this random stuff that puts a band-aid on the real issue."

The one thing that keeps me going is that I really do LOVE teaching. I don't want to stop being a teacher just because the system is corrupt and run like a corporation. I just want to work at a school where children come first and where EVERYONE is on the same page about that. I also think that I need to reduce my commute, maybe work at a school in the neighborhood where I live so that I can stay late and still have a life.

Of course, it would mean leaving my colleagues, which I'm not sure I'm ready to do.